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What the hell, Universe, why do orchestrate all of my awkward run-ins to occur at once? Curses to the heavens! (Just kidding. Please don't be vengeful).
Last week I sat less than a foot away from my first college crush, whom I was pretty good friends with up until the point where we got into a shouting match sophomore year that ended with me saying "I hope you have a nice life!" Me thinks I could've handled that one better.
Anyhoo, I went with the BF to a fancy bar a neighborhood over from mine and we sat down next to unoccupied seats that had hats and other such things indicating that they were only momentarily unoccupied. About ten minutes into a serious convo with the BF (not a fight per se, but not exactly a light hearted chat either), I spot him coming my way and spaz a bit internally. We didn't acknowledge each other, and I'm fairly sure he had to have recognized me. But I didn't know what to say, plus there was that whole "serious talk" thing, and that whole "have a nice life" thing. I imagine he felt similarly, and besides, what good would have come from awkward small talk? I did stalk him later on Facebook and saw that he's in seminary school now. Wow, didn't think that would actually happen. I wonder what would have happened if I'd handled things differently, but at that time, he had a fair amount of undesirable traits (like being mildly racist and anti-semitic- yeah...) that made him not worth jumping through hoops to maintain a friendship with. So I'm not lamenting that too much.
Then, yesterday, I ran into the sort-of friend that I sort-of dated last year, who very-much-so hurt the crap out of me (it's silly and dramatic to say, but I think that's the closet I've ever come to having my heart broken. Cry me a river, and such). A bunch of my friends were meeting at a bar since we were off of work for Veterans Day (oh, how I love working in government sometimes) and I'd heard he might show, so at least it wasn't a surprise. It also meant that I had time to blow out my hair and put on nice jeans and a low cut black sweater with a dark blue camisole underneath that matches my eyes. Okay, yes, I did obsessively plan this look. But fuck if I didn't feel good in it! He waltzed in (yes, waltz is the appropriate verb to descibe it, "swagger" would also apply) after I'd had a few beers, so that spaz out shock that was inevitable (I haven't seen him in almost a year) was slightly diminished.
So, it was okay. Everyone played nice and he even hugged me goodbye. I still have very mixed feelings when it comes to him. The logical, smart, and correct part of my brain is like, look at this asshole, he hasn't changed at all, still a self-important player who expresses amazement over a male friend who managed to maintain a relationship after traveling for three months (oh, yes, give that man a cookie, three months and he didn't even cheat on her!) Fuck.face. Then there's other part of my brain, the completely irrational and deluded part, that makes note of how attractive he is, how quick and easy our exchanges always are, how I can still very much picture us as a couple.
One thing I will say I enjoyed, because I am vengeful: the previously friend that's been gone for three months randomly goes "so what's up with that guy, is he still around?" Thank you for waiting to ask this until the sort-of friend sort-of ex definite asshole was sitting next to you. It felt nice to say yes, to have friend nod and smile and say good, I like that guy, he bought me a whiskey. And to then look over and see sort-of friend twiddling with his thumbs and looking around awkwardly. POINTS FOR ME! So, there you go. I looked hot, he felt awkward when someone asked about my boyfriend, and we were both nice to each other. All in all I'd call that a success, and at the very least, a non-disaster.
After the bar and after the sort-of whatever he is guy left, we went to play beer pong on someone's roof. In the dark. In November. I don't know either, but it was hella fun. And I am way jealous of the rooftop in the middle of DC that has a heated pool and is open all year.Current Mood:  good |
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This day is dragging. Going very slowly!! So I'm making a "good stuff" list because I'm ten and it makes me happy.
*Getting a new coat from Ann Taylor today, whoo! It's a sleek gray nylon, cut simlarly to a trench, and it fits perfectly! It's definitely a more grown up fall alternative than the corduroy one I've been rocking since college. Tried it on a few weeks ago and instantly loved it, but couldn't justify the $200+ price tag. But it was just marked down to half off, and with an additional 20% off discount, I plan on hitting that up.
*Four day week this week. And though I'm not a huge fan of traveling for work, it'll be nice to break up the usual routine for a few days. So tomorrow is my last day in the office for the week- WHOO HOO!
*Since I'll be nearby, I think I'll pick up Chipotle for dinner. No explanation needed for the PURE HAPPINESS that is Chipotle!
*Made some almond chocolate chip cookies from scratch that were like, insanely good. And really easy to make! Only had one since they were for a party but most definitely have to bake them again soon!
*I got some totally rocking tall black boots, that are a little slouchy with a nice sized heel. Amazingly, I'm able to walk in them without looking like an ass. Definitely plan on wearing them with sheer black stockings and a short little dress next time I go out. I would kind of like to wear this getup for a friend's party at which an idiot ex of mine will be present, since I am spiteful and need to look better than him.
*This list has turned into a "name all of your recent purchases" exercise. Oh well! I got a kid's sized warm up jacket to wear running- half the price and the same exact jacket as an adult size! The perks of being short.
*Played Taboo with the roomie, bf, and friend while drinking wine on Saturday night. Living on the edge, I know. It was lots of fun! It was my turn and I said, "okay this is an attractive black man" and then was at a loss for words, but no worries because the roomie then interjected with "DENZEL WASHINGTON", which was, in fact, the answer.
*The Hills is on tonight! I cleaned up my room and got some sort of delicious cinnamon-sugar smelling candle. I am looking forward to bundling under the covers and watching dumb tv with the candle lit and some hot chocolate...and maybe microwave popcorn?! I LOVE FALL (and apparently capital letters, how very Kanye West of me).
*I saw Rachel Getting Married a few weeks ago, which was a lovely, though dark, film. The groom (who I just found out is the frontman of TV On The Radio- who knew??) sang an acapella version of Neil Young's Unknown Legend, which was so good and the best scene in the movie. I am crossing my fingers that I can buy it on Itunes!
*Now there are 15 minutes left to work. So glad.
*I am about a third of the way through this book called Love Walked In which is an enjoyable light read. I so love keeping the windows open a tad on a cool fall night or dreary day and reading until I get sleepy. And warm socks! And hot tea! And clean rooms and candles! AND LEAVING WORK, WHICH I AM DOING NOW!Current Mood:  calm |
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Hoo boy, I could use a nap right about now. Eyes...closing...head...nodding...
It's weird, I've had a good week but bad, bad sleep despite mostly successful attempts to be in bed by 11:00. That's okay though. I'll catch up on sleep this weekend. BF went on a trip and is back in town, hooray. I'm meeting some friends for dinner tonight and he offered to pick me up and drive me home afterwards. He's kind of nice like that.
Durrr...mind going blank about other things to write about. Well, I've been eating pretty well since I've made my whole pseudo-vegan transition. Last night I went to happy hour and prepared ahead of time by bringing half a whole wheat bagel and veggie spread to work to eat beforehand. But then, at the restaurant, they had potstickers, so I had those and stole a fair amount of my friends' fries. I started to feel kind of guilty and then I was like, wait, what? A few months ago I would've had cheese quesadillas and spinach and artichoke dip, so I don't think I should beat myself up over this. And I certainly don't eat like that every night. I mean, the amount of fruit, veggies, and whole grains I eat now is kind of ridiculous. I don't care about calories so I have no idea how much I consume, but I know it's more than I used to. But, turns out my pants are still looser than they were before. You know how health experts always say you can't "diet"? The lecture that you have to make "lifestyle changes." And I've always been like, okay, but how? How do you transition a diet into a lifestyle? Well, I can truly see this being a lifestyle change. I've never been able to maintain a healthy approach to eating for more than five, six months maximum. And most of the time, it's more like one month. Then I would stop caring and eat frozen pizza and candy bars. But now, it's kind of effortless. It's not an option to put crappy food in my body most of the time. And just like I've never once second guessed myself for being a vegetarian for 8 years, I know that I have the stregth to stick to this if my heart is in the right place. And after admitting to myself that dairy farms are just as bad as slaughterhouses, and choosing to cut it out of my diet, it's now a lifestyle. It's a lot easier than I ever realized it would be. Sure, just because it's easy doesn't mean it doesn't require planning. But it's so worth it. Just like it's worth it to spend some time just moving. Being active, because you can, because you're strong and able, because you can challenge yourself and grow from it.
To be conscious of what you eat opens the door to a greater consciousness overall. I really think this is the best thing I have done for myself in a very long time. I couldn't be happier and more thankful to have realized this path.
Yes, I'm aware that was all very hippie dippy of me. Don't care! Partly because I am tired, but mostly because I am gratified. Also, I am leaving work in ten minutes and that always make me happy!Current Mood:  grateful |
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So very tired. I had such a fantastic weekend. Went to Bmore to hang out with some good pals, had dinner in Little Italy, etc. Came back to DC on Saturday and went hiking in Great Falls in the most perfect weather you could imagine. Lovely, lovely. Spent most of Sunday with the BF- went to a bakery and picked up some sticky buns (they were vegan but delicious, so don't judge!) and coffee to take to Rock Creek Park, which was lovely. Walked on the trails for a bit, went back to a park near his place, lounged around and read and watched the puppies play. Twas nice. But fell asleep at his place at 6:00 and woke up extremely disoriented an hour later, when the sun was setting. Was really, really great. I've tried to be chill about my "future" with the BF and just enjoy things, and it's paid off. Now if only I could consistently do this...
Ha, I was reading over old entries and came across a sentence about how I needed to stop facebook stalking people I was obsessed with, which reminded me of course to facebook stalk the person I was referring to. Haven't thought about the guy in a while. But apparently he changed his name and moved to Israel. Ha ha! And to think I spent any time obsessed with him. Oh, the gift that is hindsight.
I just had a randomly strong craving for Ramen noodles. Yum, sodium!
Am going to happy hour with old coworkers tonight. Am really looking forward to it. Will hopefully not pass out after one drink. I think I'll go eat some soy yogurt now. Oh yeah, I have cut out a lot of dairy from my diet. I haven't exactly put the word out b/c I know people will think I'm crazy. But who cares, according to an email I got with a "quote of the day" (thanks, random employee who sends mass emails), I have to make sure I am "in tune" with myself and not worry about the norms of the society. I'm cool with that.Current Mood: exhausted |
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1. Don’t start with profundities. When I began my Happiness Project, I realized pretty quickly that, rather than jumping in with lengthy daily meditation or answering deep questions of self-identity, I should start with the basics, like going to sleep at a decent hour and not letting myself get too hungry. Science backs this up; these two factors have a big impact on happiness.
2. Do let the sun go down on anger. I had always scrupulously aired every irritation as soon as possible, to make sure I vented all bad feelings before bedtime. Studies show, however, that the notion of anger catharsis is poppycock. Expressing anger related to minor, fleeting annoyances just amplifies bad feelings, while not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate.
3. Fake it till you feel it. Feelings follow actions. If I’m feeling low, I deliberately act cheery, and I find myself actually feeling happier. If I’m feeling angry at someone, I do something thoughtful for her and my feelings toward her soften. This strategy is uncannily effective. 4. Realize that anything worth doing is worth doing badly. Challenge and novelty are key elements of happiness. The brain is stimulated by surprise, and successfully dealing with an unexpected situation gives a powerful sense of satisfaction. People who do new things — learn a game, travel to unfamiliar places — are happier than people who stick to familiar activities that they already do well. I often remind myself to “Enjoy the fun of failure” and tackle some daunting goal.
5. Don’t treat the blues with a “treat.” Often the things I choose as “treats” aren’t good for me. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt and loss of control and other negative consequences deepen the lousiness of the day. While it’s easy to think, I’ll feel good after I have a few glasses of wine…a pint of ice cream…a cigarette…a new pair of jeans, it’s worth pausing to ask whether this will truly make things better.
6. Buy some happiness. Our basic psychological needs include feeling loved, secure, and good at what we do and having a sense of control. Money doesn’t automatically fill these requirements, but it sure can help. I’ve learned to look for ways to spend money to stay in closer contact with my family and friends; to promote my health; to work more efficiently; to eliminate sources of irritation and marital conflict; to support important causes; and to have enlarging experiences. For example, when my sister got married, I splurged on a better digital camera. It was expensive, but it gave me a lot of happiness bang for the buck.
7. Don’t insist on the best. There are two types of decision makers. Satisficers (yes, satisficers) make a decision once their criteria are met. When they find the hotel or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied. Maximizers want to make the best possible decision. Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can’t make a decision until they’ve examined every option. Satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers. Maximizers expend more time and energy reaching decisions, and they’re often anxious about their choices. Sometimes good enough is good enough. 8. Exercise to boost energy. I knew, intellectually, that this worked, but how often have I told myself, “I’m just too tired to go to the gym”? Exercise is one of the most dependable mood-boosters. Even a 10-minute walk can brighten my outlook.
9. Stop nagging. I knew my nagging wasn’t working particularly well, but I figured that if I stopped, my husband would never do a thing around the house. Wrong. If anything, more work got done. Plus, I got a surprisingly big happiness boost from quitting nagging. I hadn’t realized how shrewish and angry I had felt as a result of speaking like that. I replaced nagging with the following persuasive tools: wordless hints (for example, leaving a new lightbulb on the counter); using just one word (saying “Milk!” instead of talking on and on); not insisting that something be done on my schedule; and, most effective of all, doing a task myself. Why did I get to set the assignments?
10. Take action. Some people assume happiness is mostly a matter of inborn temperament: You’re born an Eeyore or a Tigger, and that’s that. Although it’s true that genetics play a big role, about 40 percent of your happiness level is within your control. Taking time to reflect, and conscious steps to make your life happier, really does work. So use these tips to start your own Happiness Project. I promise it won’t take you a whole year. Current Mood: sleepy |
| » Look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love, love |
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
I love that quote. Lately, whenever I think about something someone has said or done that has upset me, I try to remember to tell myself just that. I googled it to see who it was attributed to and came across this random website that actually has a lot of really spot-on observations:
It's normal for you to react to another with a certain feeling. You don't have to feel the feeling permanently or allow it to feed into your sense of identity. You get to make the choice as to how to process the feelings. If your friend excludes you from an outing, you may initially feel anger, but then it's your responsibility to shift your thinking and say, "I won't give him or her power to make me feel as if I deserved that kind of behavior." The anger that the message generates can direct you to handle the situation productively.
Do you have people in your life who "get to you" on a consistent basis? They have an uncanny ability to push your buttons to the point that you may question your own self and abilities? The next time this person goes after you or attacks you personally, take a deep breath, feel the feeling, and then remind yourself that you won't let their words affect your self-esteem. More often than not, these types of people are overly concerned with control. They see themselves as authority figures and want power over you. They take a “one-up” position, which results in their victims feeling one down. You can always make the mental choice not to feel “one down.” When you stop giving them the power to affect you, you can truly concentrate on your own self made plans!
I bolded the line about it being your responsibility to shift your thinking because this is where I have gone wrong in the past. There will inevitably be times when people disappoint you. When they behave insensitively, aren't as good of a friend as they should be, and act petty (myself icluded!) It's just human nature to suck, sometimes. There are some people that are truly good people to the core, and everyone should work actively to approach that. And that's what I'm trying to do. And in the meantime, I am trying to forgive certain friends who have hurt me as of late, because they are being human, and they don't know how to pass the time without something to talk about, and that something happens to be me. So I will simply stop giving them the power to hurt me, and be the bigger person, and strive for my own sense of peace, and not worry about them, because it truly doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. My happiness matters and I am in control of my happiness. I am so very grateful to have two best friends that are utterly amazing, that have been there for me every step of the way, who have shown me what it's like to be a true friend and have taught me how to be one as well. They matter to me. The ones that try to bring me down just do not.
In other news, I'm signing up for yoga and pilates. Scared I won't like it but I really want to try! I think it could be very, very beneficial for me.
Sep. 26th, 2008 @ 10:11 am
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| » Ghosts of girlfriends past |
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So today is exactly 6 months with the boyfriend. Not a huge deal, but something I've wanted for a while and am glad to have. It's strange to say that I'm 25 and this is my first "real" relationship, but that's truly the case. I've been in relationships before but nothing like this. Nothing as intense and as stable and as scary and as sweet as this is. Needless to say, I'm glad that I went out on St. Patrick's Day. It's so beautiful out today, we're grabbing thai food to eat at his place and then going to the Nats game to enjoy the crappy baseball and overpriced beer. I'm excited!
Also not a huge deal but more of a minor annoyance is the fact that in the past month his ex-girlfriend(s?) seem to be making themselves known. For example, he was wearing a Flight of the Concords shirt and I made some joke in reference to the show. He copped to having seen only one episode and when I asked why he had a shirt, he admitted his ex gave it to him. The other night he was rewinding through an old tape to record a show, old school style on the VCR, when both Gimore Girls and Grey's Anatomy made reversed-motion appearances. Why? The ex. Which of course, led me to obsessively attempt to figure out when the episodes aired as I began thinking "wait a second, this wasn't that long ago!" (though research revealed that it was around spring 2007. Yes, I'm crazy.) At his friend's party, he nearly shattered a glass on the counter, at which his friend remarked that he was being as clumsy "as his girlfriend. Uh, I mean, ex girlfriend of course." Awkward silence! It's bound to happen and it's not as if he hasn't had to deal with it too, especially since my roomate is dating the former roommate of my ex. Who, incidentally, moved back to DC recently. A tangled web that we weave.
But as Frances McDormand says in Burn After Reading, don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. Speaking of which, I read that George Clooney's role in that movie has led to increased sales of sex toys. How one can attribute this to him, I don't know, but it's from page 6 so it must be based in science. And I have to say, I was disappointed with that movie (though the scene that led to the speculation on sex toy sales was truly fantastic). I didn't think it was all that funny and I hated that the worst characters were the ones who succeeded while the likeable ones were disposed of. This review sums it up well: http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/cinema/2008/09/15/080915crci_cinema_denby
What else, what else. I am bored at work and lacking motivation as my weekend begins in two hours. Whooo! Mini rant: why do people talk so loudly in common areas? Oh, for example, right outside my effing cubicle? Shut.the.fuzz.up. And now it's time for the segment of this entry called "What I am wearing today"- thrilling, I know! I got this short sleeved knit gray topfrom H&M with this sort of floppy collar that is fantastic. It's great for fall because I can wear it in warm weather but it looks cold weather appropriate. Sidebar- why can't I maintain normal friendships with my exes? While I am of the belief that such a thing is both difficult and pointless, I secretly would like to not be such a spaz when it comes to this. I wonder if it's because I have almost exlusively dated total assholes? Oh snap! And what does it say that the one non-asshole I dated is the only one who put effort into maintaining a friendship? Case closed.
My new dietary obsession is PowerAde Zero. While it has an alarming amount of sodium for a beverage, the pink flavor tastes like pink starbursts and the blue flavor tastes like those frozen ice pops (blue flavor of course) if you don't actually freeze them and just drink them in liquid form. Not that I have ever done that. They are 88 cents at CVS this week and my blood pressure is probably through the roof. I'm also obssessed with this new restaurant called Coco Sala, which incorporates chocolate into everything, i.e. is a realization of my greatest dream. When I think about it I'm like Homer Simpson fantasizing about the Land of Chocolate (my favorite moment of which is Homer taking a bite out of a chocolate dog trotting by). I love how dogs trot along so merrily. They are truly the best animals ever.
Okay I that's enough nonsense for now.
Sep. 18th, 2008 @ 04:18 pm
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| » Heavier things |
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I am suffering from such an extreme lack of motivation that I'm actually going to post a real entry. Why oh why did the long weekend have to end? I know I should just get some stuff done and the day will go faster, but I'll go to open up a spreadsheet and try to do some work and before I know it, I'm back on dlisted, reading about Madonna's vadge and other pressing matters.
A lot going on. I switched jobs, which has been sort of exhausting and nerve wracking. Side note: which of the following is correct, nerve wracking, racking, or wrecking? I'm fairly sure nerve wrecking is just plain wrong, but Google fails to enlighten me on this. So yeah, new job. A lot about it that's good, a lot that's bad. Or not bad so much as...draining. I wonder a lot if this is the right path for me. Sometimes I think I should be an English teacher, because I love reading and genuinely enjoy discussing literary topics. But then I think, would that get tedious too? Am I really suited to stand up and talk to a roomful of kids all day, every day? And then I wonder if it makes any sense at all to consider a career path I'm not all that sure is right for me given the drop in salary that would accompany it. But if I liked it, if I truly looked forward to work and felt that I was contributing, wouldn't that matter more than being able to save a little more money each year? And how else am I going to know if I like it if I don't try it? I'm also currently pursuing my masters in a field I'm not sure that I like. Does that make any sense at all?? But if my employer is paying for 75% of it, is it silly to not take advantage of that? Or is my time and sanity more valuable? QUESTIONS, stop plaguing me! I'm going to talk to a career counselor soon in the hopes that somehow, I can get answers to at least one of those questions.
So basically, I've been a little stressed out by it all. I'm not sleeping all that well and I haven't been to the gym in quite some time, which I know is a huge mistake on my part. I keep thinking I'll remedy it and get back on track, which I will at some point, I always do. I wish I could find a way to incoporate it into my life a little more smoothly, so that I could stick with it. I'm also getting headaches, and I'm not sure if they're stress related or what, but I'm quite sure that any doctor would tell me the first thing I need to do is exercise more to sleep better, reduce anxiety, and all that good stuff. Sadly I despise it. But I think I will actually go tonight when I get home from class, no matter how tired I am. It's silly to sit here bemoaning how I could make a difference if I could just do it, when it's truly that easy. I am committing to 20 minutes at the gym tonight, to get my lazy ass back in gear. Baby steps.
The real problem is, I keep thinking that I'm exhibiting these signs of depression, because I did experience that once before and I'm noticing some similarities in how it was manifested. But I think it's more stress and fear of the future than depression. I think, but I don't know, which scares me a little. I guess I'll just keep doing what I can to make things better for myself, but keep in mind that if things get bad, I need to acknowledge that so I can fix it, and not shove it under the rug.
So, despite the way that all sounds, there are lots of good things going on. I'm feeling the Monday blahs hardcore at the moment, and I didn't get much sleep last night, which is probably why this entry sounds whiny. But I am having a great summer and doing lots of fun things, and for the first time in, like, forever, I have a boyfriend. An actual boyfriend, not a "love interest", i.e. some guy I date for a few weeks who manages to crush my hopes of finding something "real" with astonishing alacrity. Okay and admittedly, this is a source of stress for me too, because I am neurotic and I worry about getting hurt, or hurting him, or things imploding, etc. etc. etc. But thankfully, I've managed to calm the F down a little, and not self destruct over it. Cause it's kind of great. And instead of thinking ridiculous thoughts like (I kid you not) should I date him if I'm not sure I'd marry him? I'm going to just enjoy it, and see what happens, and allow myself to be happy even though there are no guarantees. It's the guy I went home with on St. Patricks Day actually, haha. Luck of the Irish?
Anyway. I'm such a typical 20-something. I'm sure one day I'll look back to this time and miss the excitement and uncertainty and the sense that things can go in any direction. Right? Let's just go with that.
Jul. 7th, 2008 @ 02:02 pm
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| » Just like a star |
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I wonder why it is
I don't argue like this
with anyone but you
I wonder why it is
I wont let my guard down
for anyone but you
we do it all the time
blowing out my mind
Just like a star across my sky
just like an angel off the page
you have appeared to my life
feel like I'll never be the same
just like a song in my heart
just like oil on my hands
Jun. 24th, 2008 @ 05:06 pm
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| » So much sacred in the month of June |
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I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't because it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
Was there a second of time that I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Was anything enough to kiss the ground?
And say I'm here now and she's here now
Jun. 5th, 2008 @ 12:31 pm
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| » Hyacinth girl |
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These are my favorite verses from The Wasteland. I don't know if I like it because of or in spite of its depressiveness.
April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.
Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee
With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,
And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,
And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.
'You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
'They called me the hyacinth girl.'
—Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Od' und leer das Meer.
Apr. 7th, 2008 @ 09:18 am
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| » Thoughts... |
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I'm either having deja vu or it's October again. Well, not really. I just seem to find myself in the same situations over and over again, like in Groundhog Day.
I'm sure it'll end badly if past experience has taught me anything.
Mar. 27th, 2008 @ 03:08 pm
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| » I knew that you meant it |
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My heart is yours to fill or burst
to break or bury
or wear as jewelery
which ever you prefer
Mar. 26th, 2008 @ 10:08 am
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| » St. Patrick's day shenanigans |
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I am currently operating on about two hours sleep. In other news, I feel CRAZY!
Yeah, I wasn't even planning on going out last night. But then I got roped into going to a bar with a friend because she wanted to meet up with a guy she's been seeing. I felt pretty awkward walking in to an Irish bar full of crazy drunk folks I didn't know, so of course the solution was drinking. And naturally, debauchery ensued. I met a guy (friend of the guy my friend was there to see) and at first I couldn't tell if he was interested or what. So naturally, I stepped it up until there was no uncertainty. I had to basically tell him he could kiss me before he actually did.
Uh yeah but then he didn't have much trouble asking me and then convincing me to go back to his place (hey, it was 3 blocks away and the metro was closed, what do you want me to do?) He was like you can sleep on the couch if you want, and I'll drive you home in the morning. But of course I did not sleep on the couch. Sleeping in a bed is much more fun.
Prior to this, we had conversations on topics that were totally innapropriate, given that we'd known each other 2 hours. Like, I know how many girls he's slept with. And it's a fucking lot! But then we got into this whole discussion about stages of playing the field and blah blah blah and I'm not going to judge. All that really matters, I guess, is what the person currently wants and how they currently conduct themselves. But I don't know where he stands on that. I guess I'll find out soon enough.
Holy hell though, I enjoyed hooking up with him. He said I seemed standoffish at one point though. Hey man! I think it's just because I was trying to keep things relatively PG and not give him the wrong idea about where things were going (although, in our inappropriate discussions earlier, I made it pretty clear that I don't have sex with guys I'm not dating). But, I am really, really attracted to him. I don't even think he's all that good looking- he's cute but most of the guys I've dated have been more attractive. But, we'll see what happens- I don't know if he'll ever call me. If he doesn't, it might be for the better- I am hesitant to get involved with someone who has slept with soooo many girls.
Something somewhat funny and random- while at his place, I dreamt that I discovered a large supply of Valtrex in his bedroom (the herpes meds). I told him about it this morning. He probably thinks I'm totally insane. But, you can't blame me for dreaming something like that after he told me about his man whore past (hopefully not present). Way to interpret things literally, subconscious.
Mar. 18th, 2008 @ 03:20 pm
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| » Daylight Savings Time = Happy Time |
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Well, dating is nothing if not amusing.
So the blond guy- he never called, which I thought was odd. Fortunately, I ran into him (yet again) and had the chance to ask him. Some might use the word "confront", I prefer ask. Of course, I'd had five beers, so it was inherently a terrible idea. After some initial, meaningless chit chat, I mentioned that he never called and said, I guess I just don't understand why you called me if you were never going to ask me out.
He said, I called you to get a sense of what you were like. It seemed like you were looking for a relationship and that's not what I'm looking for right now.
Here are some topics we discussed over the phone:
-my dad learning how to send text messages
-Shamrock fest
-his mom bird-sitting for the neighbors
-free things we've obtained from bars
Here are some topics we did not discuss or even approach:
-past relationships
-current relationships
-future relationships
-dating
-long term life goals/plans
-the Iraq war
-sex
And so on and so forth. So while, yes, it is true that I am looking for something that would be classified as a relationship and not "casual", I'm not sure how he ascertained from our conversation that I was "That Kind Of Girl". If I had sounded ditzier, sluttier, on the phone, he would've asked me out? I'm just trying to figure out under what circumstances he would've decided to call me. It makes no sense. I am generally honest about what I am looking for, and I expect the same out of guys- what's the point of getting involved with someone who knows they don't want the same thing as you? But what's the point of even calling me in the first place if he wasn't going to ask me what I was looking for? Did he think I would say, "thanks for calling, let's pick a time to meet up and do the sex." Baffling.
Anyway. I'm glad I ran into him, because I'd been confused by it, and now I know that, even if I am "That Kind of Girl", he's "That Guy", the one I've been trying to avoid like the plague but keep encountering nonetheless. He's the guy that wants to play the field and see how much of a man-whore he can be. Well, be all that you can be, buddy.
In other news, last weekend I met a cute guy who is nine years my senior. However, because I have a tendency to morph into a drunken idiot on weekends, I drank way too much and left the bar without giving him my number. Blah. However, we are connected through a number of people (his coworker is dating a guy who used to hook up with my friend/live with her friend), which I'm not sure he knows. So I've asked my friend to pass on my email address- hopefully she can find a non-awkward way to do that.
There is also a guy in my grad class who is pretty cute. He might be a smoker though, I can't tell. Not that that's really a dealbreaker at this point- I'm more focused on steering clear of the man whores. We hadn't really talked much before the last class, I think he's kind of shy. But he's since emailed me to ask how the take home test we have is going since we talked about maybe meeting up and going over it together. He has the same name as the older guy I met, haha.
I kind of doubt either thing will pan out. That's okay, I at least have a few options, however remote. Sometimes I feel like that's all I really need when it comes to guys, to not feel like I have absolutely nothing on the horizon. Speaking of, I deleted my Jdate account- I'm glad I tried it, and I would potentially try it again in the future, but right now it feels like too much time and effort with a low potential for payoff. I might have one last date, because I emailed the guy I'd been talking to for a while before I deleted my account. I'm pretty skeptical though, because we've been emailing for like two months now, and he keeps talking about us going out but never actually asks. So we'll see.
All in all, I'm feeling pretty good about things. It's actually light out when I leave work now, which is so damn nice. I cannot wait for the weather to warm up a little more. I bought this dress which I am looking forward to wearing:
For some reason, the picture is of a shirt, when in fact it is a dress that goes to mid-thigh (part of the Jovovich-Hawk line at Target). I like.
One last note of radomocity: Paradise Hotel (2) is back!! I loved this show so much, and the second edition is just as ridiculous as the first. Ah, tv that I will never admit to others that I watch...
Mar. 17th, 2008 @ 01:22 pm
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| » PSA to myself |
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From an msn.com article-
Let it simmer. “Any relationship...should have a three-month arc,” suggests Cooper Lawrence, a relationship expert and author of The Cult of Perfection: Make Peace With Your Inner Overachiever. “The first three months should be about two things, having fun and getting to know the other person. If at any time during those three months, you ask yourself, ‘Where is this going?’ stop and instead ask yourself, ‘Am I having fun, am I getting closer to this person?’ That will give you much more information, because in the first three months, you really don’t know where it’s going, nor should you. Don’t make any major decisions during those first three months.”
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=9124&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=7>1=10886>1=10886
Feb. 27th, 2008 @ 09:52 am
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| » A weekend of drama and awkwardness |
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Hmm. In some ways, a lot has happened over the past month, and in some ways, nothing has really changed at all. I guess that's not so unusual.
I am so very tired right now. Good lord I think I am sleep-typing. I need some coffee...perhaps Starbucks. Mmm, now I am dreaming of Starbucks...caramel machiattos, white mochas, PURE DELICIOUSNESS. I think there is crack in those drinks. They must use the same goods Chipotle uses. Blah, but I am supposed to be eating healthy this week, since my jeans are getting too tight :( SAD FACE.
GOD I hate chemistry. Actually, it's not that bad, and I sort of even like doing those complicated equations and figuring them out. But some of the crap is so stupid- I really do not care about reaction rates and wish to not have to learn about it.
I still have a jdate profile up but I'm essentially done with it. I went out with a guy a few times recently, and though he was perfectly nice and attractive, it was borrrring. Seriously, the best part of the date was when we discussed LOST. And I love that show, so that was fine, but I can't really remember what else we talked about. LAME!
On Friday, I showed up to a friend's birthday party at a bar downtown and was faced with not one, but TWO guys I dated. GOOD TIMES. In the beginning, when I was painfully sober and had yet to say hello to either guy, I was standing in the middle of this axis of awkwardness and wanted to just disappear. One guy, I went out with two times, and we never even kissed- things just fizzled and that was fine. The other guy, though, was my freaking ex-boyfriend who I have barely talked to in the past year. He's the one who moved to New York for some girl (well, I guess that was only a small part of why he moved, but still!) he immediately started dating after me. I knew he was going to be there, at least, but it was still terrifying to see him.
Once I talked to him, things were fine. But that's when shit started to go down. We drank a fair amount and things progressed from him casually slapping my wrist to him sitting next to me, alone at the table, with his arm around me and his face an inch away from mine. Me, being the idiot I am, assumed this meant he was trying to hook up with me (he was) and that he was single (not so much). After insinuating that he should come back to my place (I've done my share of making out in bars but this was NOT something I wanted to do in front of everyone, including a guy I went out with a few times that was giving me death stares all night), he hemmed and hawed and finally said he had to go home. He did not think things through when he started all that, because he couldn't have come back to my place- guess why? Because he's staying with the girl he's seeing!! Of course, of course. What a jerk. Some things never change. I can't believe I ever thought it was worth being friends with him.
He also was thoughtful enough to tell me he thought he was going to marry the girl he dated after me. Well fuck you too, dude. It's not like I didn't know that, but I didn't need to hear him say it to me. The consolation? He couldn't even stay with her a full year. Congrats to him for being a self destructive asshole.
I'm sick of being the mature, nice one in the aftermath of a relationship that failed. If he ever emails me, or talks to me, or whatever, I'm not mincing words- he never should've acted like that toward me if he was seeing someone. That's a craptastic way to behave, both to me and to the other girl, and I'm going to let it be known. But, I wouldn't be surprised if don't hear from him again.
GOD. Anyway. Enough about him. Backtracking a bit- last weekend I went out with some friends. I met this guy that I ended up talking to most of the night- he was fun. Nice. Cute. Blond. Smelled like fresh laundry. Did this thing where he hooked his thumbs into the belt loops of my jeans. I kissed him a little but managed to keep it (sort of) classy, which was a challenge because I wanted him like whoa. So, he handed me his phone to put my number in, and called me so it was saved on his phone. He kissed me goodbye. AND THEN HE NEVER CALLED ME. I'd like to say it was a big suprise, but it wasn't, because I've learned never to expect to be able make logical conclusions based on previous behavior when it comes to guys.
So, fast forward to last Saturday night- one night after the fiasco with X. Feeling a little under the weather, but figured I needed to go out or else I'd stay in and wallow in pity, thinking of X with this girl he's seeing, in yet another stupid long distance romance that will inevitably self-destruct when she asks him to actually COMMIT to something other than being a tool. Get out of the cab with friends in tow, and I see the blond guy who never called me. As if the weekend wasn't dramatic and awkward enough! I saw him go into the bar we were going to, but wasn't totally sure it was him, so I decided to just try to ignore it.
Inside the bar, everyone and their mother is there. Coworkers, friends, kickball people. It was actually really fun. I think I might've been asked out by a member of the Incest Group. I tried to play it off, because let me tell you, my answer is no, a million times no. I refuse to get involved with any of them ever again. An example of why- I previously wrote about my friend making out with one of them and me behaving like a tool as a result. Well, the friend and the guy have been hooking up for the past month now. It's clearly a casual thing, which means it's a recipie for disaster. And on Saturday, it came to a head when the girl he was previously hooking up with showed up at the bar as well. And it became apparent that whatever happened with them was not over. Needless to say, I had a very not-amused and drunk friend, who took over the title I won the night before for "recipient of most uncomfortable situation ever."
Anyway. About an hour into being there, blond boy walks by. I caught his eye and said hi, and he came over to talk. He was being friendly, and flirty, and meanwhile I'm thinking "...but you never called me!!" After a little while, he says, hesitantly, so I tried calling you...the number didn't work. At first I wasn't sure whether or not to believe him, and asked to see it in his phone. He was like, I deleted it! And then I realized, when I gave him my number last weekend, he had called it in the bar so he'd have it on his phone- and it never showed up on my phone as a missed call, and I get perfect reception there. I GAVE HIM THE WRONG NUMBER. Good.lord. So then I had to make sure he knew I didn't do that on purpose, I didn't because I was a drunken idiot. Anyway. Long story short- he called me yesterday. I missed the call but I think we'll make plans to hang out sometime soon. I'm so glad I ran into him. It almost made up for the night before, in which I felt like a huge idiot and cried myself to sleep over an asshole I used to date.
It is February 25th. So close to being warm out. I cannot wait until the days I can walk outside without a coat, eat on a balcony, go to outdoor happy hours. I cannot wait. It's been kind of a challenging winter, but the end is in sight.
Feb. 25th, 2008 @ 10:38 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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I hope that I won't be that wrong anymore
I hope that I've learned this time
I hope that I find what I'm reaching for
The way that it is in my mind
Someday I'll get over you
I'll live to see it all through
But I'll always miss
Dreaming my dreams with you
I won't let it change me
Not if I can
I'd rather believe in love
And give it away
As much as I can
To those that I'm fondest of
Someday I'll get over you
I'll live to see it all through
But I'll always miss
Dreaming my dreams with you
Feb. 24th, 2008 @ 10:49 pm
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| » Friend group incest. |
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I have my first grad class tonight. Ack! I hope I don't feel like a dum dum because it's been a long time since I've had to be a student. Okay, 2 and a half years is not really that long, but still. Hopefully the people there will be nice and I make a new friend or two.
I think I've gotten way too wrapped up in this whole guy thing. I'm still doing the Jdate thing but I'm getting kind of tired of it. I'll stick with it and meet up with a few more guys but I'm not expecting anything to come of it. I'm glad I tried it, sure, but it's too time consuming to do much longer.
This past weekend was a lot of fun. Although I behaved like an idiot on Saturday, which was stupid and related to being too wrapped up in guys. Went out for a friend's bday and there were various guys there who are part of the incest group which I will call IG. Here's the thing- I have had uniformly terrible experiences with guys from the IG, and I sure as hell don't want to go through anything like that again. So I want to stay the hell away. But part of me thinks, well how else am I going to meet someone if not through friends? And they are a big group of fun, attractive guys, and it's not like my female friends have any decent guys to introduce me to. Or if they do, I don't know about them. So I'm conflicted about that, though most of me knows I just have to stay away from the IG. It's too much drama and I've been burned too much already.
But anyway, my friend ended up making out with a guy from the IG. I guess I got territorial because I've become a part of that group over time, through coworkers and kickball and such, and I feel like I put myself out there in order to meet new people. It's not easy for me to do that kind of stuff, and I guess part of the reason I was annoyed is because up until that very day, she was dating someone else. She was actually supposed to be at a party of his that night, and not at my friend's party. It's still idiotic, because it's not like I'm even interested in the guy she made out with, and I had no excuse to be bitchy to her because of it. And I never, NEVER want to be the kind of person that can't be happy for my friends because of things that are my own issues. I'm SURE the reason I was upset (aside from the excessive vodka tonics) is because I've been so frustrated with meeting guys. And I woke up the next day and was appalled by my behavior. Even though it appeared to other people that I was just being slightly bitchy, they don't know how I was feeling, which was very resentful. And I don't want to be anything but supportive to my friends, especially those who have been so supportive of me. So in a way it was an eye opener- I can't let myself get so consumed by guys and by dating. It is making me the kind of person I don't want to be. There is this part of me that thinks, but I deserve it more, which I know is so selfish and untrue. And I'm trying to let go of it because I just don't want to be that kind of person.
Anyway. I'm working on it. I haven't quite figured out how to let go of my frustration with guys and dating but that doesn't mean I should let it affect other areas of my life. No one is perfect but that's no excuse to behave like such a jerk. I wish it had never happened but looking at the silver lining, it really did kind of signal to me how careful I need to be to not let it consume me. There really is a part of me that is truly happy to be single and I need to keep that part on the forefront.
Jan. 23rd, 2008 @ 11:55 am
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| » Good God. |
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What a difference a week makes. I never heard from Jesse, but oddly, once I knew for sure it wasn't happening, I realized how little I truly cared. I was holding on to it because it was something, not because it was something -insert adjective here-. Something special, something exciting, something that was tons of fun...it was none of those things. It was just fine, and for a few days I felt like maybe fine is enough. I thought he was cute and nice enough and it was just so convenient. And then last night I logged back on to Jdate for the first time in a while and realized how many other people there are out there, looking for something more than that. And how sad it would've been to settle just because I'm sick of being single and Valentine's day is a month away.
So anyway. I have to put in a little time and look at profiles and such. I think I would be willing to pay for another month, but that's about it. The thing I find kind of tricky is that there are a fair number of guys I'm just not sure about...like I am fairly sure, once I met them in person, I wouldn't be interested, but I'm hesitant to write people off on something I'm not sure I'm getting an accurate representation of online. I mean, if the guy is 5'4, that's pretty easy, there are just certain things I can't do. Which is a shame because there is one guy who is reallllly cute and seems fun, but I just cannot date a guy who is the same height as me!
So I guess I'll give it another shot. My preference is still to meet someone in person, but the unequivocally great thing about Jdate for me is how it takes the pressure off if I don't. Although, I did meet a guy recently who I think is damn cute and I think might be interested. But here why it won't work:
-The real dealbreaker: he's super conservative and into guns and such. Yeah, I just can't.
-He's part of that whole crowd of people that is incredibly incestual, and I've been there and done that. I can't make out with any more of those guys without starting to feel like I'm a ho.
-Same name as my brother. That's a little weird.
But it's a shame! Cause can I just say, cute.
Jan. 18th, 2008 @ 02:55 pm
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